Thursday, July 31, 2008

There's no doubting this

The crisis of yesterday, and the two or three days before it, is over. My anger at God is gone, and all i feel right now is love and peace. But i'm getting ahead of myself.

I was on MSN, talking to Rodrigo, and explaining how upset i was at God. Rodrigo kept saying comforting words to me, quoting Bible verses that i'd heard a hundred times before; some of them were bouncing around in my brain the past few nights, but i didn't want to believe them. Then, Rodrigo asked if he could sing me something. At first i tried to say no, but he went right on ahead. Then i paid attention to the words. Some of them said "Lord, how can you accept me, when i've turned my back on Heaven and on You." And in the chorus, God responds saying, "Son, i want to be your God." In that moment, i felt those words inside of me, could hear God saying those words to me, "I want to be your God." I had already been crying up to this point with frustration and anger, but now the tears were of joy and thankfulness.

Rodrigo and i talked some more, and then i typed these thoughts: It's interesting: in these past 3 or 4 days, i've had so many doubts, so much uncertainty, and a lot of anger. Now, I'm just feeling love, both from you (Rodrigo) and from God, and it's like i never understood what a relationship with God is supposed to be like. Now i truly feel like His daughter. I feel like i'm on a new level with Him."

Now i can truly say: "Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere" (Psalm 84:10.)


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