Wednesday, October 1, 2008

An amazing new experience

Last night i had an exciting new experience with God. Lately i've been feeling like a real burden on the school, almost as if i don't belong here because the rest of my class graduated in May. I did a lot of crying out to the Lord last night, wanting rest, wanting friends who would support me, tired of loneliness and frustration.

Then, as i was brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, i either thought about or heard Christ talking to me. He reminded me that He has gone through loneliness too. Reminding me of Peter's denial, He said: "One of my closest friends said he didn't know Me, three times. Can you imagine how that feels?" Hearing those words really comforted me, and i think brought me to a point in my relationship with Christ that i had never really experienced before. It was amazing! I loved it, and it helped me fall asleep feeling amazingly loved.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

There's no doubting this

The crisis of yesterday, and the two or three days before it, is over. My anger at God is gone, and all i feel right now is love and peace. But i'm getting ahead of myself.

I was on MSN, talking to Rodrigo, and explaining how upset i was at God. Rodrigo kept saying comforting words to me, quoting Bible verses that i'd heard a hundred times before; some of them were bouncing around in my brain the past few nights, but i didn't want to believe them. Then, Rodrigo asked if he could sing me something. At first i tried to say no, but he went right on ahead. Then i paid attention to the words. Some of them said "Lord, how can you accept me, when i've turned my back on Heaven and on You." And in the chorus, God responds saying, "Son, i want to be your God." In that moment, i felt those words inside of me, could hear God saying those words to me, "I want to be your God." I had already been crying up to this point with frustration and anger, but now the tears were of joy and thankfulness.

Rodrigo and i talked some more, and then i typed these thoughts: It's interesting: in these past 3 or 4 days, i've had so many doubts, so much uncertainty, and a lot of anger. Now, I'm just feeling love, both from you (Rodrigo) and from God, and it's like i never understood what a relationship with God is supposed to be like. Now i truly feel like His daughter. I feel like i'm on a new level with Him."

Now i can truly say: "Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere" (Psalm 84:10.)


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

so confused

I thought that i talked to R on Monday night, but now i don't know. Ever since then, i've been wondering if i'm condemned to singleness, because any romantic relationship might get in the way of my relationship with God. This is really hard. I startled R by bringing up the idea of this being wrong on Monday night, and now he's back to not talking to me. But i don't know how to focus on God anymore either. It's so hard. I want both relationships, but when i think about it, the verse about not serving two masters comes to mind. I know that was about money, but couldn't it apply to other things? Then i wonder, how do Christian married couples manage to make it work?
Oh well, enough of my whining.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

It's a rainy day, so why not blog?

Hello, friends, acquaintances, and whoever else happens to drop by. I've been thinking about starting a blog, and restarting my podcast, for about a month now. Looking at this, i'm not sure if i'll be able to upload audio files, but we'll see.

So, today's been half sunny and half downpour. Tomorrow will hopefully be dry, which would be nice since i'm going horseback riding tomorrow. :-)

I won't bore you all with this rambling. This was just a test, after all.